A children's guide to dealing with Heart-hurt.

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Potentially the most traumatic thing about a break up is the plethora of clichés that are thrown at you by your nearest and dearest. It occurred to me while I was sitting in a tree looking out over the city and silently crying (not even shitting you, I’m that poetic) that heartbreak can make you feel childishly vulnerable and out of control. As a kid I was always too afraid to climb trees, but that activity has been associated with youth for so long, that it got me thinking about other things children do which help with heart-hurt.

Thus was born ‘A children’s guide to dealing with heart-hurt,’ a list of ideas of ways to process losing someone dear to you through children’s activities.

1.     Climb a tree and be awed by the view.

This one is especially easy for Wellington kids, just five minutes from uni, or up to twenty minutes from your home, you can be in a high up green place looking out over the city. Doing this made me feel very very small, and instilled me with a strange sense of peace. If you’re near Tanera Park, walk to the corner of the playing field there, there’s a small circle of grass and you can look out over the whole valley. If you’re in a relationship and reading this it’s also a sweet place to romance your special someone. Same goes for the Trippy tree by the cable car in the Botanic gardens, it’s a great place to watch the sun set alone or with someone you love.

2.     Sketch with pencils.

Only today while digging through a draw of letters and stationary crap to try and hide my ex-boyfriends notes from myself did I come across a very dusty set of pencils. Just the feeling of pencils or crayons being dragged across drawing paper is satisfying. It makes a slight noise, you’re making something, and if it happens to be good you have something to feel proud of and put up on your wall, or the fridge, or to wave in front of the nose of the next flat mate to come home.

3.     Sing along time. Also dancing.

Okay so maybe the adult equivalent is drunk Karaoke on a girl’s night out, followed by getting up on one of the speakers at Hope Bros and yelling the words to Can’t Touch This, but the release has a similar effect. Kids at birthday parties playing musical statues don’t care about making eyes at cute strangers or about moving in the right ways; hell they’re pretty much just jumping and shaking. So jump and shake. It’s also surprisingly exhausting, which can aid with that sleep you’ve been having trouble achieving.

4.     Talk to your imaginary friends.

In a break up you rarely get to say everything you wish you could to the other person, whether it’s telling them that you really love them, or that they can go suck a lemon and you think they’re real gross anyway. Yelling at your exes, although therapeutic, is a one-way ticket to irreconcilable and the awkward glance and avoid at parties. This is where talking to empty space about how you’re feeling can come in handy. When I do this it often takes the form of yelping unrecognizable jibberish into an empty bedroom while crying, but if you can do it in a calm way, all the better! If you have real friends, I guess they can be of use here, but sometimes it feels like everyone’s tired of hearing about your shit or like no-one cares, which is where Wilma and Patrick step in. (You can name imaginary friends whatever you want! It’s like magic! Or being an expectant mother!)

5.     Go to bed at seven.

As frustrating as it is to do as your mother says, a good nights sleep really does make a world of difference. Even if it’s going to bed at seven and not sleeping for four hours, you’ll still be getting your minimum six, or more like your recommended eight, hours of sleep. Although research suggests you can in fact have too much sleep, that sounds like a bunch of quaffle to me, and getting out of bed in the morning is far easier when you’re well rested.

6.     Make a meal, and serve it in the shape of a smiley face.

Food is incredibly important for your well-being, and I’m not preaching a balanced diet here, I’m thinking comfort food. Your childhood favourites might match your cravings somewhere deep deep inside. There’s no shame in eating baked beans on toast for three days straight and spending ten whole dollars on nik nak’s pick n mix is there? (Seeking reassurance and support at this point people). Making it into a smiley face is just something fun and easy to brighten your evening. Again, show this skill of to flat mates, they’ll be so jealous of your yummy edible art!

7.     Write bad poetry and/or poorly rhyming songs.

Just because you creativity doesn’t have award-winning results, doesn’t mean it isn’t useful. Revert back to a frame of mind where rhyming ‘night’ with ‘knight’ was an achievement, and scribble some poetic nonsense about how heartbroken you are. If you’re a bit musical then put it to a rhythm, don an overemphasized English accent and Huzzah! You’re practically Kate Nash!

Note - Reading other people’s good poetry can also be useful at this point, as this can be incredibly cathartic, I’d recommend Neruda for passionate reminiscing and Keats for pretty reflecting.

8.     Act out.

Hell, throw a fucking tantrum once in a while. Be childish. Smash a cup, scream into a pillow, stamp your feet. Very little you do (within reason) will have repercussions, and you’ll find it surprisingly tiring to express rage with your whole body and voice. Before too long you’ll be ready for a nice nap, and as long as no one else is home, you won’t have disturbed or inconvenienced anyone. (Note – Make sure you only damage you’re own stuff, you don’t need to feel guilty as well as upset right now. Also don’t smash cups if you’re short on them, just come round to my flat; we legitimately have too many to fit in our cupboards.)

9.     Run home to mamma and papa.

Go to www.grabaseat.co.nz and book the next flight home. Dealing with serious change is always hard, and having someone there to do your laundry and feed you can be the difference between going crazy and managing things. Another layer to this tactic is the sneaky ninja run home to mamma and papa, because if no-one knows you’re at home then you don’t have to deal with anyone bothering you. Friends are incredibly important, but sometimes you just need to not have to be cheerful and charismatic around people for a while, you’re parents dealt with you as a teen so any vocal interaction is probably something they welcome, but some of your friend’s might only know the smiley outgoing you, and right now you should have a little time to be bloody miserable if you so choose.

10. Have a good cry to your mummy.

Big sister/brother also works in this context. Call someone who has known you longer than you’ve had cognitive recognition of your own identity, and tell them how shit you’re feeling. A particularly memorable piece of wisdom that my mother gently spoke to me while I finished up the worst panic attack I’ve ever had seems relevant at this point: ‘It is very late at night and the world has gone to sleep, and there is nothing you have to worry about.’ So when it gets to that hour of the morning you hoped you’d never see, and it feels like everyone who cares about you has forgotten you in their peaceful dreams, just remember, in the cosmic scale of things, nothing you do really affects anyone, the people who care will support you and, if necessary, forgive you, and the one’s who don’t care, still won’t care. It’s as simple as that.

In summary, grow the fuck down and act like a kid until you feel ready to face the adult world again. It is very late at night, the world has gone to sleep, and there is nothing you have to worry about. There is nothing you have to do. Sleep tight, tomorrow will be better, and it’ll all make sense when you’re a little older.